Walking out the apartment door into zero degree snowy weather is NOT the perfect way to start a long day of classes and lectures. Doing so with thoughts about how my life is not what I want it to be bumping around in my head makes it much more unbearable. Rexburg, Idaho has got to be the coldest place in the United States right now. It has to be.
As I walk through the snow, my knock-off Target brand Uggs getting caked with nasty snow, I see dark forms stark against the frigid white snow- my fellow suffering classmates. Being awake before 10 am probably sounds acceptable to the average person who goes about their life content with their life situation. But to me, after waking up every few hours because of disturbing dreams and interesting text messages, any hours before noon seem UnGodly. Everyone talks about how exciting this stage of life is and how I should make the best of it. I suppose they are right. It is exciting to be taking hard classes, the stress could maybe construed as excitement to smart people. The constant fear that you will fall to your death on the ice covered sidewalk that makes your heart start pounding and your arms start flailing may be exciting to the adventurous. The distraction of relationship issues constantly sitting on the back shelf of your mind while you’re trying to study, eat, sleep and work out is exciting to the dramatic. Wondering if your roommates are going to yell at you in the morning for breaking curfew could be considered exciting if you anxiously hope that house held tension will be part of every day.
This stage of life is a good one. But its different than anyone would ever expect. At least, its not what I expected. I didn’t think that I would feel a consistent tug at my heart strings no matter where I go or what I am doing because I can’t get the past not only out of my head but out of my heart. Growing up, I didn’t know that I would feel so far away from the people I loved. The moments fly by, but abruptly slow down when I lay in my bed and look at the pictures duct taped to my wall that I know would be useless to take down because I can see them even when my eyes are closed- until I fall into an uncomfortable sleep. During the day its almost easy to be distracted by homework and friends but I’ve realized over this last year, that you cannot hide from your dreams. They find you the moment that you let your guard down. When my cell phone goes off at 3 am, I know who it is even if I’m half asleep. I’m not sure why I feel like I have to throw that in, but I do.
I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I’m completely unhappy. I know that I’m doing what I am supposed to, that I’ve made difficult changes and decisions because I knew they were for the best. But I feel like parts of me are missing and I’m scared to fill them in because I’ve depended on them for so long to hold me together. I’m not economically on my own just yet, but I have been emotionally on my own for a long time. There are people that I’ve met through the process of growing up that I am grateful for, but I still don’t feel like I can let go of what I’ve clung to for the last few years.
I have big plans for my future but until I let go of the past and reach for the string that will lead me to my dreams, I’m not sure what I can do to help myself. People say take it one step at a time, do your homework, meet new people. But they are just pandering me. Hiding the truth. Everyone knows that those are things that will just fill your time, occupy your mind. That when the assignments are done, your friends go home and the next step is laying down to go to sleep- that sleep doesn’t always come easily and the things that you’ve tried to avoid come creeping in. Its like a fog, looming over head and out of sight collecting the thoughts that you silently push away waiting until you put away your umbrella and are motionless in an inescapable place. That is when the storm hits. When the pain fills every inch of your being and the memories expand inside your head. All you can do is close your eyes and lay your head down, waiting till a new day starts and the same cycle begins again.
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