well here i am, lying on the floor of my room surrounded by all my clutter from these last 3 semesters. i can't believe that there is only two left for me at BYUI, i'll be sad to leave and excited to see where i go from there. a mission maybe? :) i hope so. i would just like to sit here, ignore homework and prattle on about a few things that i'm thinking about.
currently:
my new notebook of goals, quotes, to-do's, thoughts, art ideas etc. i'm proud of myself for actually getting one, and already filling 3 pages. .94 cents yo, that was worth it. all ninety-four pennies will get their money's worth. i hope... haha.
well- that shoe box- it's full of memories that i carry with me, praying daily that i will let them go free and far from my present state of mind and emotions. there's no room for wasted thoughts and/or emotions. it is so incredible, the capacity of the human heart to feel. mine is so full all the time with love for so many different parts of my life (those parts are people fyi because that's all that's important in life, to me at least). but what really amazes me is the level of sadness that you can sink to if you let yourself. i'm glad that although i can see that place, feel it's pull...i'm avoiding it as best as i can right now. i have God to thank for that strength. I've never felt so alone but so full of love for God as i do right now.
i'm desperately dreaming and wishing for Sea Ranch right now. It is my favorite place in the whole world. it beats hawaii, cancun, new port beach, the carribean..for me at least. i'll never love a place more than i love those steep cliffs, mountainous redwood hikes, the sun light filtering in and lighting up the pages of whatever book i brought along for that summer's trip. the smell of the northern california coast will always bring me comfort and a sense of belonging. i want to retire up there, on the redwood smattered coast (i guess smattered doesn't count as a word..haha) with a man who loves me and kids who know that i'm always there for them, no matter what they do or how they act. i want to watch the stars at night and see the sun set through the mist and fog. i want to catch crabs, canoe in rivers and paint pictures that i've taken. oh, and i want some horses.
for now, i'm learning how to be patient. it's hard, because of how passionate i am, i'm always in the "now" mindset. but that's changing as i remind myself to focus on the tasks at hand instead of rushing moments along to some desired outcome. i don't want to miss out, even if there are somethings happening that i don't want to witness or go through.
eternal perspective...i'm workin on it. :) reading my scriptures 20 minutes everyday for the last month has strengthened me so much. i feel the spirit helping me all the time. i also really love to see the temple...especially in the mornings when i go by myself. but also every time i walk outside in Rexburg. I'll miss that when i head home for the 7-week break. I hope i can go to Oakland with my sister at least once or twice before September.
it's all going to be ok.
i'm grateful for Mumford and Sons and for the fun times this weekend and this semester. It'll be nice to head home...i need some distance from all the 'things' (people...and i guess things..maybe i mean places) i've grown to love here. sometimes you just need space from love.
xoxo
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