famine, drought and love

disclaimer: listen to "let's make this moment a crime" by the format, then read this.

i have been thinking recently about the meaning of love. i know that love is an extremely broad emotion or word to try and define or spend time contemplating so i'm not really sure why i even bother. i personally think that we all have our own definitions of the word love. some people's definitions overlap in some places, but others can be miles apart.

what does it really mean to love someone? some people fear the ones that they love more than anything. whether it's the fear of their disapproval, losing them, opening up to them, trusting them or being loved back, they are scared. love is scary, sometimes. some days, it seems like love sets you free. you feel like you can escape all the people who have hurt you, overcome cold days or sickness,  even jump out of airplanes.

i think that one huge misconception about love that most people have, is that they don't realize that love is a mix between freedom and fear. it's not perfect. relationships are messy and artistic. you have to make it be the best it can be. sometimes it's hard to trust or open up and other days you feel like you could never close your heart, even if you wanted to. 

for me, love is huge. it is all encompassing. many days it seems so big, it's like trying to look at the entire sunset at the same time.
but other days, its so small that i feel like it magnifies every part of everything i look at, touch or hear. every moment without the people who have touched my heart rings in my ears. it rings like the tick of a clock, every second lands on me like raindrops in the winter seasons. love is also in every detail of everything around me.

i know i love someone, when i would give them everything i have. i would let them into my head so that they could see and hear every thought that has ever passed through my mind. all the private feelings i've felt would be theirs to read over and over again. nothing would be left in the dark.

when i love someone, nothing can stop me. i would walk through fire for them. my pain means nothing as long as i can protect them. a simple smile turns everything around. being avoided will flip everything upside down.

when i love someone, i feel like i've lost all control of my heart.

i once was asked what one word i would use to describe myself. the word i chose was "passionate."
the definition of passionate, well, it might as well be the definition of me.

"passionate- having, compelled by, or ruled by intense emotion or strong feeling"

so, passionate is how i would describe my love for someone. it's my life's motto. everything should be felt to the fullest, life should be lived to the fullest. that means i feel grief, happiness, love, pain, joy, disappointment- all of it, to the fullest. 

i am passionate about my grief as well as my love. because i am so full of feeling love makes me lose control of my heart and a lack of control is what causes imperfections. my way of loving may be imperfect, just like my way of living. but i promise, that both my efforts at love and life are filled to the brim.  

i don't give things up easily. i may have lived my life thus far half way covered by the shadow of fear. but i want to escape from that. i don't want the fear of falling, losing or coming in last to keep me from the people i love most. love will break you heart and fear will keep it from healing, if you let it. 

if you love someone, don't let the fear in your mind tell you to keep it to yourself. tell them.